asciipo0ter

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:03:33 GMT

I feel left out.

I want to have roommate tiffs.

:(

Damn you Ashley, having all the fun.

I don't get it.

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 06:36:07 GMT

My boyfriend and I can't have a mature conversation without something I say turning the conversation into a fight. This has happened multiple times. This is the most recent.

Setting: We just watched Stardust. If you haven't seen this movie it is largely about immortality.

Him: Lets shoot for immotality.
Me: I don't want to live forever.
(more conversation)
Him: I don't want to die.
Me: I do. Eventually. I'm not really afraid of death.
Him: I am.
(more conversation)
Me: Maybe I'm not afraid of death because I've been around it a lot.
Him: You're saying I haven't experienced it enough?
Me: I'm not saying I hope you do. I'm just saying that is perhaps why I am the way I am.
Him: (personal story that I don't feel I should repeat)
Me: I'm not trying to make little of those that have died.
Him: Just that you have quantity?*
Me: This isn't a fucking contest.
Him: I'm sorry that I got offended about the ones I love dying. That it was implied that their passing didn't mean as much.
Me: You know that isn't how I meant it.
Him: Are we going to start fighting now because I don't want to.**
Me: I wasn't planning on it. Why do you start this crap?***

(Frustration abounds and culminates in my promptly ending the conversation because I didn't want to deal with his inability to have a conversation without getting offended at something and turning the conversation into me defending myself until I just bend to whatever he is trying the say)

*Is it just me, or is that a low fucking blow?
**Again, thats kind of low considering he is the one that started fighting...
***Low blow on my part there. I was getting angry.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 02:30:32 GMT

/can't wait to get out of FSU. The bastards.

School Years.

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 00:47:07 GMT

So I just went through my friends list and clicked on random people's ljs because I am avoiding actually doing homework. The first thing I noticed, is that I couldn't remember who's names where who's. xD But then I realized a few things.

I am no longer in contact with any friends I had in elementary school. Kory was my best friend for a long time and we just grew apart I guess. Jenny and I only talk occasionally and mostly because our mothers are friends. Lauren... god only knows where she is now. Last I knew she was into Swing Dancing.

My middle school buddies. Now theres a troop. Ashley, wow do I miss her. She was (and I'm sure she still is) super cool to be around and it seemed like she always had my back. I've talked to her like 3 times in the last year. D: Graham. Oh Graham. I miss him too. I hated him for a while, but I was stupid and did what a lot of middle school kids do, blame others, then themselves, for things that aren't anyone's fault. I don't really know where he is or what hes up to but I hope hes happy. Orion was there for me when I did the stupidest thing I've ever done. Robert was absolutely amazing. I actually still have a valentine he made me right before he moved on my wall at home. xD I know where Stevens is, he is actually here at FSU. I saw him a few times last year since we lived in the same building, but it was really kind of awkward. I guess it would be. There are so many people that I wish I'd been better about staying in touch with, but it wasn't really staying in touch that was the problem. I remember at some point while I was at Crooms there was some rumor about something I said or did that pissed everyone off. We all broke ties then. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if I'd gone to Brantley rather than Crooms, and then I remember I wouldn't have Patrick or nacht_kind and that makes me sad. Also there is no guarantee that whatever rumor got started wouldn't have happened anyway.

And finally Crooms. The people I talked to while there, and the people I talk to know seem to be very different. Some crossovers though. maikerukyou I still consider to be one of my best friends though I don't talk to him nearly as much as I wish. Sarah, though she totally didn't go to Crooms is still really cool and always fun to chat with. But I don't talk to Adam, Nixon, or Tony at all. Matt occasionally sends me some weird shit as does Chad. I never really talked to Drew at school and now I almost always have a gchat window open with him. Patrick, I was nervous to talk to him a lot of the time, but towards the end spent quite some time getting to know him. Obviously I talk to him a lot now. Suhaylah, I used to chill with her and compare lack of sleep lol. I just talked to her on facebook fairly recently which was nice. Chris. Theres another big one. He got a lot of crap from everyone at school, but still seemed to be pretty happy. I will never forget riding around after Steel Band Concerts with Chris and Santiago blasting music. Santiago as well actually, he gave me never ending hell for a variety of things, but he was still a great guy.

I just feel nostalgic I guess. I'm going to go avoid homework somewhere else for a while.

And how!

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 04:59:19 GMT

Its been a while since I posted here.

I suppose I should use this more often, but I dunno what exactly to say.

I think it would just be me missing Patrick.

I'm back into neopets of all things, yeah, I'm that lame. xD

Uh, other than that... I dunno.

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 03:12:44 GMT

I gotta say I'm a little upset.

I had a long ass day at a job that I despise. I come home and while talking to Patrick for real for the first time since we left. I comment "Oh Ashley locked me out while I was naked" (she had, but it wasn't intentional, and I'm not mad because of it or anything.) and before I could say "haha, kidding heres what happened" she jumps in and starts defending herself rather loud and right next to me.

I turned and said "Shut up Ashley" because I was annoyed and tired and had a long day.

was it right to be so mean about it? No.

But she storms out of the room in a hissy fit and now I can't find her. SO after my long day at the job that I hate, I get to sit here and worry about her because she doesn't have her phone and doesn't have her keys.

I'd like to sleep, but I can't

I'd like to talk to Patrick but I can't.

I get to sit here. And worry about her. Great. Thanks so much. This is totally how I wanted to spend the evening.

If she doesn't get back in an hour I'm locking the door and going to bed because I have to return to said job tomorrow.

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 04:58:55 GMT

I dunno

I don't really feel the Christmas spirit for more than about 20 minutes at a time and those times are few and far between. I usually feel really good and excited, and here we are on the 22nd of December and I'm just kind of "eh" about the whole thing.

I had fun putting up the tree and wrapping presents. I went shopping with my dad and Paul and we didn't get in a fight for the first time in like 6 or 7 years. And yet I sit here, and I'm not in the mood.

I feel a bit like Charlie Brown.

On a side note I'm trying to re-read the Harry Potter series. I'm only half way through the first one though.

Alright, I'll go for it too.

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 22:54:58 GMT

I felt this would only exacerbate the issue, but seeing as she thinks thats cool and this is how we should handle it. Cool. I will throw the same disclaimer in front of mine. This is a rant, take it or leave it.

Lately, as some of you have noticed, I have had issue with my roomie. While I love her, and really didn't want to admit to these recent feelings of intense anger and frustration toward her person, I can not help it.

I am well aware that she is under the impression that I am both a disgusting slob and an insufferable bitch.

My annoyance goes far deeper than in the last few days, but has only gotten worse.

I am absolutely sick to death of her interrupting me. Its gotten to a point where I just don't want to talk to her anymore. It doesn't matter what the subject is, as soon as I start saying anything she takes over frequently with something along the lines of "No because..." without letting me finish my point. I'm used to being interrupted once in a while, its how my family worked for ages. However, not every single conversation. My "yeah...whatever"s typically come in when I'm tired of trying to make my point and not being able to.

I am sick to death of her picking on Patrick. I try not to talk about him as often as I used to. I understand its annoying when people talk about nothing but their boyfriends. However, that doesn't mean its okay to just keep going and going and going about how Patrick is a whiny little bitch. He's not whiny and hes not a little bitch. He just isn't.

I am greatly annoyed by the fact that I am not only leaving a day later because of her, but also toting her two friends back to Orlando as well. Do I know them? No. Do I feel comfortable driving for 4 hours with two people I don't know and don't particularly care to know? Not really. Will I do it? Yes. I do it almost solely because I think that maybe it will show Ashley that I am not entirely an insufferable bitch. So excuse me if I'm not thrilled by the prospect of leaving later and later as she adds people to my car.

I work. I work hard. I work my ass off at the pit that is Wendys. I work my ass off for my classes. I like to sleep when that work is done. I don't need to hear about all the shit I've done wrong or haven't done in the room from someone who sat on their ass fooling around on the internet all day. I can't begrudge her for not having a job, but it would be nice if she'd just let me chill when I get home. Thats the other thing, though it hasn't come up nearly as frequently. She moaned about not having a job and how she was "trying" but if she really wanted one, she could've gotten one. And the excuse "oh I have earlier classes than you so I can't work fast food" doesn't work. I'm sorry, but you can work days on the weekends or evenings. You don't have to close and you don't have to open. Suck up your pride if you want a job that bad and get one. Again, that hasn't come up recently so it hasn't really added to my most recent fits of rage.

I am sick to death of certain inconsiderate things she seems to do. It is hard for me to believe she has shared a room before. Most of these occur while I am trying to sleep (remember what I said about working really hard? yeah, thats exhausting.) She tries to be quiet in the mornings but I'm a light sleeper. I'm not upset by that. I am upset by things like talking on the phone, breaking down a box (granted that only happened once but it was a little ridiculous), organizing shit in a loud fashion, but mostly talking on the phone. I try really hard to remember to take my phone conversation elsewhere. Its difficult for me since I'm used to having my own room in which to take sanctuary but I feel I have been making a great effort and have been quite good about not talking on the phone in the room. Occasionally I do, and thats my bad, and I frequently apologize for it. I have seen her take her phone out once. I don't even mind that much when I'm not trying to sleep, but its still rude.

I apologized about the stupid cup. I thought it was empty, my bad. It sucks that our room smells, but you know what? It smelled bad when I moved in. I bought an air freshener. It is a college dorm honey, it isn't meant to smell like fucking daisies. Get over it. Everyone else's smells bad too.

This has been just a brief look into the many things that have been pissing me off lately. Doesn't matter what I do, its wrong. Doesn't matter what I say, its wrong. Doesn't matter how I try to fix something, it gets worse. I'm sick of it.

I am ready for the few days that I won't have to interact with her. I think I need a break.

Somewhat crappy day gets crappier.

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 23:30:51 GMT

Won't be home the Tuesday before thanksgiving after all.

Thanks a lot Ashley's heartless mythology teacher.

Sappy Post Now.

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 02:34:29 GMT

So Ashley and I are watching To Wong Foo right. We're at the part where Bobby Ray is trying to take ChiChi out. Bobby Ray is absolutely adorable. Hes very sweet, and so wholesome, basically hes not a dick. I thought to myself the same thing I think frequently when watching movies, "I wish I had a guy like that."

It took long enough to get to about 'had' when I realized I do.

Commence 'awww's.

I miss Patrick. <3

At least I didn't break my promise.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:51:54 GMT

Now I feel worse though. At least when I was dealing with it on my own I didn't feel like this. Now that I want help I can't get it. What now?

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 17:57:56 GMT

Shit fuck damn.

I just fucked up the only thing I really felt was going right for me.

Nicely done.

Fucking nicely done.

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:44:15 GMT

I got awesome new socks the other day. They. are. amazing.

Ashley and I went gaa gaa over bunnies and puppies at the pet store in the Tallahassee Mall.

I got Paul's birthday present but he won't get it til Thanksgiving.

I got myself a birthday present (lol, I always feel so greedy. Reminds me of the emperor's new grove) that I will share with Patrick on Black Friday. Its a surprise and I'm trying to think of how to keep it that way while heading there. Maybe I'll blindfold him. Heh heh. That could be taken in a perverted direction... lol.

I called picture show hoping to catch Paul to wish him a happy birthday but he must have gotten the day off. I talked to Tom for a little while though which was kinda cool. I miss Picture Show. =[

I'm doing better in school now that I have some time to study and to sleep. Getting good grades on Math quizzes and a 100 on my Astronomy test. Still don't know what I got on the mythology test and it'll prolly be a couple days before I find out.

No classes tomorrow. Maybe I'll finally get my haircut. Exciting. Hope it turns out okay.

In other news: I've been really upset with myself. Aside from doing better in classes I seem to be doing worse in everything else. I keep having thoughts that only depress me. Sadly a lot of them are about Patrick. I now that the majority of it is perfectly normal (at least I keep telling myself that) but I still get angry at myself for having them. Its a classic case of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Speaking of which, I have a cake, and need to eat it soon. =]

I wanted a drink yesterday, bad. It was weird. I next to never drank at home and haven't since I got up here but yesterday I was sitting at Chili's and I thought "Damn, I want a Smirnoff Ice." Caught me off guard, must have been a worse day than I thought.

I made a promise that I'm not really sure I should have made. This is vague as hell because I don't want to get into it... I will keep that promise though. I couldn't disappoint him like that.

As a parting note, Its frickin' freezing Mr. Bigglesworth.

Because I'm a Fucking Hippie

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 22:59:25 GMT

Its kind of weird living with someone that sincerely doesn't know how much of a hippie I really am. It doesn't bother me at all, its just kind of odd to have to say "because I'm a fucking hippie" every so often.

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 06:08:58 GMT

So I got my first paycheck from Wendy's today. I swear, they don't pay me enough to put up with the shit. Most of you already know how much I despise that job and I've only been there 2 weeks. I've decided to talk to Starplex Cinemas about hiring me as projectionist or something. Its kinda far, but I think it'll be worth it to get a job I don't hate quite as much as this one. Here I thought closing at picture show was bad but that was only 6 - 1 at the latest. I've been averaging 4 or 5 - 2 ever since I started, and when I don't work that early they call me in early. Yeah. Wendy's blows.

Other than that, my life is pretty boring. I miss the hell out of Patrick. Ever since I got the job at Wendy's I don't get to talk to him as much and hes been busy lately so I felt like we were so far apart. I know the distance didn't change but I just felt so far away from him and his life that it bothered me every night for a couple days. I feel better now though. We talked for a while after Halloween Horror Nights about nothing in particular and I get to see him soon.

Really though I miss a lot of people. I can't wait til Halloween so I can see most of you guys! /glee

And now, I'm off to bed.

Mmm telescopes...

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 20:22:12 GMT

So I just entered a Coca Cola Sweepstakes. Lol.

Its for a pr'decent telescope, a personal planetarium, and a years subscription to popular science.

Cross your fingers for me. Won't find out until Nov. 17th if I win, which I doubt, but whatever, it'd be pr'b.a. if I did.

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 03:44:09 GMT

I just realized...

I have no chocolate in this dorm room.

Its gone. DX

People. Suck.

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 16:05:14 GMT

There are so many things wrong with this world. I hate the neighborhood I live it. Well, my permanent residence at least. There are so many rotten kids that do things just for kicks. For instance, get into my mother's car and steal my ATM card last year.

So the little shits of our neighborhood have struck again.

I really wish I was home with my mom right now. She needs a hug, and I can't give her one for another 2 weeks.

The most disturbing reaction to a story I've ever had.

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:35:15 GMT

Why is it so hard to write about certain things? For that matter, why is it so hard to read about certain things.

I was shaking and felt like I was going to vomit all through my Creative Writing class today. This story... I am conflicted about it. I know that it was written well and that the story is captivating, but I hated it. It made me nervous and brought up all these things that I didn't want to think about. I knew how it would turn out. I knew the minute Arnold Friend appeared, before he even said or did anything, I knew how the story would unfold. I almost didn't want to finish reading but I had to, not just for class, but in the vain hope that I was wrong.

After reading that I'm not sure I can write this short story. I don't know what to do with it. I know that if I try to write it I'll just have the same reaction I did while reading Oates' story. It scares me, and I hate that. I thought it would be therapeutic to write it all down, but now I'm thinking that maybe it's more destructive. Maybe I'd be taking a step back. I'm afraid that I'll never get over this.

Surprising...

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 22:27:16 GMT

I don't know if any of you remember this ljrp we had the ffhighschool one, I know maikerukyou does because he mentioned it a while back.

Anyway, so I get an email saying I had a reply to an lj-entry. I looked at it and it was on blanku and it was in Russian.

google translated it says: "It is like your LJ, I zafrenzhu you and it would be cool if you
responded mutually"

I am... amused, but confused... XD

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 03:52:42 GMT

i. hate. college.

It doesn't matter what I do, I'm failing all my classes even though I'm trying so fucking hard. If I can't get phenomenal grades this semester I can't get into the film school. any film school.

I don't understand why something can't go right. Anything. I don't care what at this point...

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 05:09:51 GMT

I am going to fail college.

Because of clerical errors.

Fucking ridiculous.

4 Nightmares

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 18:26:24 GMT

I think I broke a record last night. I had four nightmares in one evening.

1st.
I wasn't actually in this one. I was sort of just watching it. It was the characters from scrubs. I don't remember much now but JD said something in a bar and then he and his brother were running from these guys he apparently insulted and eventually they got the shit kicked out of them.

Kinda weird more than scary, but I still woke up with that adrenaline...

2nd.
I'm at a funeral with a bunch of people I don't recognize. I sit through the whole thing with no idea who died until everyone stands and processes by the casket.

This one freaked me out the most. Easily. I was then shaky from about 3am (when I woke up from it) until around 1:30pm (when I talked to him).

3rd.
I'm in my house with two people. I don't remember who they were except that one was a girl with blonde hair the other was a boy. This cowboy-darkness demon guy was terrorizing us and we couldn't get out of the house. Eventually he went into my room and I made a deal with him that would get the other two out.

4th.
This was the kind of dream that starts out really nice. Like it will be a great dream and make up for the last three easily. But it turned out to be the worst, the one thats still with me and prolly won't leave for a long time. I don't really want to go into it.

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 03:40:34 GMT

Oh man. I am so screwed.

Why did I think I could handle college? These tests are so fucking important and if I fail I'm screwed. SO SCREWED.

AGH Just kill me now and get it over with...

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 02:38:44 GMT

Eh, I need to get a better picture for this layout. Its too skewed...